


hell is living in resentment

by engolras



Category: The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: Gen, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-29
Updated: 2017-07-29
Packaged: 2018-12-08 12:35:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11646687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/engolras/pseuds/engolras
Summary: Bucky is the one who calls first.





	hell is living in resentment

**Author's Note:**

> title is from the song learn to let go by kesha. also can you tell that i thrive off of bucky and tony having an implicit understanding of each other?

Tony is almost asleep when that godforsaken phone rings for the first time.

He doesn’t know what the sound is at first; he hasn’t heard a ringtone like it in years.  There’s a delay between the phone ringing and the phone lighting up, which is what draws Tony’s eyes to where it lays on the bedside table on the other side of the bed.  He’d initially considered not bringing the phone into his room - he had to bring it home with him; there was no chance of Ross somehow getting his hands on it with Friday present - but figured that, with his luck, Steve would call when he least expected it.

Most of the time, Tony enjoys being right.  At the moment, with bags under his eyes so heavy he swears he can feel them and no idea what to expect to hear from the other end of the line, he’s not sure he can really say he’s enjoying it.

He rolls over to the other side of the bed and picks up the phone regardless.

“Rogers, do you know what time it is over here?”

There’s a muffled curse in response and, even if they aren’t getting along, Tony can’t pass up this opportunity.

“Wow, language.  I thought you didn’t like that sort of talk.”

There’s a pause, followed by an audible deep breath.

“I don’t get where that joke came from.  Steve swears like a fucking sailor.”

The fact that it isn’t Steve calling throws Tony off guard for a moment.  He spent the past week or so figuring out how he should behave once Steve finally called - because the phone itself was half of an olive branch, at best, and Tony would not fold that easily - but he hadn’t considered the possibility that someone else would use the phone.  Given the somewhat familiar voice and the comment said voice made, Tony can guess who called instead.

“Well,” Tony says after his own pause, “you’re not exactly the last person I expected to speak to over this thing, but I can’t say you were anywhere near the first either.”

Barnes hums in an infuriatingly neutral way.  “I can’t say I expected to use this either.  I stole it from Steve’s room after he left a few minutes ago.”

Tony’s not sure why he didn’t hang up the second he put together that it’s Barnes on the other end of the call.  Knowing him, it was probably just of pure curiosity as to what Barnes of all people could want from him.

“Why?” Tony asks.

A sigh - decidedly not neutral in tone and, instead, frustrated - comes from Barnes.  “Curiosity maybe?  Mostly impulse, I guess.”

Tony snorts.  “Well, everyone and their mother knows I’m no stranger to impulsive decisions.”

They’re both silent for a few seconds as Tony remembers that the last impulsive decision - aside from not ending this phone call - Barnes witnessed Tony make involved attacking him.  Tony has a few regrets regarding that whole...debacle.

“I…” Barnes starts, but trails off.  “I know I don’t really have the right to ask for them, but… I’d like your thoughts on something.”

After years of people demanding to hear his thoughts, hearing someone say they don’t deserve them is… surprising to say the least.

“W-well”, Tony trips over his words once he realizes he’s let an awkward silence build, “what would these thoughts be about?”

Barnes lets out another frustrated sigh, although Tony can tell it’s not directed at him.  “This whole… shitshow really screwed up any process I’d made with the whole Winter Soldier thing.  I mean, I wasn’t perfectly fine, but fuck, I’d gone almost a full year without even so much as a minor incident before Zemo brought it back to the surface.”

Tony pushes the thoughts of Bruce that statement drums up out of his mind, knowing he can’t afford to divide his attention at the moment.

“And then with Siberia I…” Barnes trails off again.  Tony can hear movement on Barnes’ end.  “I’m still not sure how much I’m guilty off.  There’s this indefinable grey area between entirely guilty and entirely innocent that I’m in, and, in all honesty, I’d rather just be one or the other.”

“You’re not entirely to blame,” Tony interjects.  This call may have been unexpected, but he’ll gladly take the chance to try to air some of these things out.  “I know that.  Hell, I  _ knew _ that in Siberia too.  Don’t let my lack of straight thinking influence your…” Tony struggles to think of the right word, but eventually decides on, “process.”

“I know you weren’t - thinking straight, I mean.  But I get it, and I understood then too.  I… fuck man, two years.  Steve knew about that for two goddamn  _ years _ .”

That wound bursts open again, and Tony tilts the phone so he can still hear Barnes while not letting his defeated gasp carry through the phone.

“If I could do so without everyone deeming I’ve gone off the deep end, I’d sock him in the face for you.  Punk’s built like a wall now; he could take it.”

Tony can’t help but smile a little at that, even though Barnes can’t see it.  “I appreciate it.  Pretty sure I already got a few good hits in myself, though.”

“You certainly can pack a punch, I’ll give you that.”

Tony feels an odd sense of pride at that, but ignores trying to examine it in order to continue his train of thought from earlier.

“I really am sorry about that whole disaster, you know.”

Barnes sighs and Tony can tell from the tone of it what Barnes is going to say next.

“I know that you know where I was coming from.  But fuck if I’ll be able to sleep soundly if I don’t apologize while I’ve got the chance.”

Tony thinks Barnes is pulling the same move with the phone he did because he can hear a faint sound before the brief pause Barnes takes before replying.

“I’m sorry too, Tony.  I -”

“Are we on a first name basis?” Tony asks, trying to sound as lighthearted and non-snarky as he can.

Barnes hums, and it’s the most amused sound Tony’ ever heard him make.  “Not really, I suppose, but ‘Stark’ still means ‘Howard’ to me.  Using it to refer to you doesn’t sit right with me yet, if it ever will.  ‘Tony’ suits you a lot better, I think.”

The longest period of silence they’ve had yet follows this.  Tony’s too wrapped up in remembering his mother to respond.

_ You’re Anthony first, and a Stark second. _

“Seeing how I don’t know who has to pay for the long distance on this call, I should probably get to the point,” Barnes says.

“Right, yeah,” Tony tries to collect himself without letting on that he’s collecting himself.  He’s pretty sure Barnes knows regardless.  “My thoughts.”

“I’ve been thinking about what the best way to deal with keeping the effects of the brainwashing at bay, if not undoing the brainwashing itself, and I don’t think I’m in a place where I could… handle therapy.”

“I’ve been there,” Tony mutters.  He doesn’t feel the need to add the obvious that it wasn’t - hell, isn’t - under the same circumstances.  He knows that Barnes won’t take it that way.  

“But if the doctors here could try to find a way around Hydra’s work while I’m not conscious, then… I think that’s the best way to go.”

“You’d have to be unconscious for a long time to really give them a fighting chance.”

There’s silence, as if Barnes is waiting for Tony to put things together - which he does.

“Shit, Barnes, that’s…” Tony struggles to articulate the thoughts Barnes was asking for.

“At this point,” Barnes continues, “it looks like the best option.”

“Have… have you brought this up to anyone else yet?”

“Outside of the doctors here, no.”  Barnes huffs.  “I know Steve’s going to object.”

“Honestly?  I can’t say I would fault him on that.”

“So you think it’s a bad idea?”

Tony squints up at the ceiling as he tries to sort through his thoughts.  “Not exactly.  I just know that if me and Rhodey had both been in extreme cryo-freeze and he was thinking of going back to it, I’d be wary at best.”

“So you think I should do it?”

Tony sighs.  “Barnes, I’m not inside your head.  I don’t know what’s going on in there.  I can guess and assume what it’s like to be in your shoes all I want, but you’re in charge of yourself at the end of the day.  I’m not going to make this decision for you, and you better not let Steve make it for you either.  The last time we were in a situation like that we all almost killed each other.”

It’s Barnes’ turn to sigh again.  “Fair point.”

There’s another pause, which Tony breaks when a new thought comes to him.  “I think we all tend to forget how young you and Steve are, you know?  I grew up on stories of you two from Howard, Peggy, and the other members of the Howling Commandos who stayed in touch.  But you’re younger than me now.  Neither you, nor Steve, really lived those seventy years.  I wouldn’t have been to handle a fraction of the decisions you’re making when I was your age.”

“I somehow doubt that,” Barnes says, warmly.

“You may be scarily good at reading me, Barnes, but you don’t know me that well.”

“You’re right, I don’t.”  A breath, and then, “But I want to.”

Tony is about to make a disparaging comment that Barnes doesn’t really know what he’s saying, but Barnes continues.

“Hopefully, once I’m thawed out again, I’ll be able to.”

“Your mind’s made up then?”

“Yeah.  Yeah, it is.”

“I’ll have a new arm waiting for you.”  Tony knows he’s saying this on impulse, but now that the idea is out there, he can’t deny its appeal.  He does feel bad about Barnes’ arm getting wrecked in Siberia, after all.  “That way you’ll have an excuse to speak to me.”

Barnes chuckles.  “Don’t worry about it.  They’re talking about making me a new one over here, anyway.”

“Where even are you?  I -”

“I know you won’t tell,” Barnes interrupts.  “We’re in Wakanda.”

Tony didn’t have much of a chance to speak with T’Challa, but their longest conversation had been centered around the leaps and bounds in tech that Wakanda had been making the past few years.

“Hmm.  You’re probably in capable hands then.  I might still make one for the fun of it.”

“Well, I won’t stop you from enjoying yourself.  Speaking off, I should probably hang up and let you sleep.”

Tony shrugs.  “Eh, I should probably get up soon.  Early meeting and all that.”

Barnes curses under his breath again.  “Sorry about that.  At least take a power nap though.”

“Every nap I take is a power nap.”

Tony rather likes the sound of Barnes’ laugh.

“Goodnight, Tony.”

“Goodnight, Bucky.”


End file.
